"Advice for Good Little Girls"
from The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County and Other Sketches  by Mark Twain (Pic from twainquotes.com)

1     Good little girls ought not to make mouths at their teachers for every trifling offense.  This kind of retaliation should only be resorted to under peculiarly aggravating circumstances.
2     If you have nothing but a rag doll stuffed with saw-dust, while one of your more fortunate little playmates has a costly china one, you should treat her with a show of kindness, nevertheless. And you ought not to attempt to make a forcible swap with her unless your conscience would justify you in it, and you know you are able to do it.
3    You ought never to take your little brother's "chawing-gum" away from him by main force; it is better to rope him in with the promise of the first two dollars and a half you find floating down the river on a *grindstone.  In the artless simplicity natural to his time of life, he will regard it as a perfectly fair transaction.  In all ages of the world, this *eminently plausible fiction has lured the *obtuse infant to financial ruin and disaster.
4     If at any time you find it necessary to correct your brother, do not correct him with mud never on any account throw mud at him, because it will soil his clothes.  It is better to *scald him a little; for then you attain two desirable results you secure his immediate attention to the lesson you are *inculcating, and, at the same time, your hot water will have a tendency to remove impurities from his person and possibly the skin also, in spots.
5     If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won't.  It is better, and more becoming, to *intimate that you will do as she bids  you, and then afterward act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your better judgment.
6     You should ever bear in mind that it is to your kind parents that you are indebted for your food and your nice bed and your beautiful clothes, and for the privilege of staying home from school when you let on that you are sick.  Therefore you ought to respect their little prejudices and humor their little whims and put up with their little *foibles, until they get to crowding you too much.
7     Good little girls should always show *marked deference for the aged. You ought never to "sass" old people unless they "sass" you first.

  1. The word trifling in the first sentence probably means...a) serious. b) unimportant. c) annoying. d) aggravating.
  2. Paragraph two is all about a recent vocabulary word. Which one?  a) omniscient.  b) fickle.  c) absolve  d) covet.  e) apathetic.
  3. If you are jealous of someone else's stuff, his "advice" in the second paragraph is to...a) be nice to them. b) be happy for them. c) ignore the feeling. d) take their stuff if you think you can get away with it.  e) none of the above.
  4. The words artless simplicity in the 3rd paragraph probably mean...a) innocence. b) stupidity. c) savvy. d) uncomplicated.  e) wisdom.
  5. If you want your brother's stuff, his "advice" is to...a) treat him like you do the person whose stuff you're jealous of. b) take it by force. c) steal it when he's not around. d) trick him.
  6. If you don't want to do something your mother wants you to do, what is his advice? a) Do it anyway, becuase you owe her.  b) Pretend you will do it, and then do what you want.  c) Quietly refuse to do it.  d) Get your little brother to do it.  e) None of the above.
  7. His "advice" about parents is to... a) do as you are told because it's easier that way.  b) put up with them until you can't any more.  c) do what you want all the time.  d) openly disobey.  e) none of the above.
  8. The word deference in the last sentence probably means...a) fear. b) annoyance. c) respect. d) disgust.
  9. The tone of this essay is... a) serious. b) diligent. c) ironic. d) omniscient.
grindstone =  a large, very heavy disc of stone; eminently = to a high degree, very; scald = burn with hot water; inculcating = teaching; obtuse = not very bright; intimate = imply or hint at; foibles = minor shortcomings or faults; marked = obvious